The owners of South Beach halcyon-era celebrity haunt B.E.D. ( Beverage. Entertainment. Dining), the place where, on any given night you could spot Jay Z, Beyonce, Britney Spears, Diddy/Daddy/Puffy, Justin Timberlake , Cameron Diaz , Leonardo DiCaprio, or Pitbull lounging on a bed next to you, have opened a new club far, far away from the South Beach sandbox.
It’s called HOME, and there is no place like it. Literally. That’s because it isn’t in a single location. Members pay 5,000 Euro a year to join. Membership is limited to 2000 members, and that covers “Top Shelf Everything.” So many questions here, including why EURO and not dollars, but we’ll get to that in a minute.
So what and where is HOME? Four times a year, you and your lucky plus one will be met at an appointed location and transported via chartered flight and limousine to a certain party where your money’s no good because you already paid for everything in your membership. That’s right, it’s all inclusive, from top-shelf cocktails, Grand Cru wines and 24-year old whiskey, to chef-prepared haute cuisine.
Wherever you are, you will party to world-renowned DJs and live entertainment by global entertainers in a club designed and built for the one-time occasion. 24 hours later you are brought back to reality by chartered plane and limo to same spot where you were picked up.
“Everybody is going huge and public, we are going small and private. it’s a party with our friends. It’s a HOME party! says Helen Clarke, HOME ‘s Social Secretary. “While we love the big EDM festivals, we also miss the intimacy of small clubs and decided to take this concept, and more importantly, the quality, to its absolute extreme. The motto of the club is Oscar Wilde’s bon mot: ‘I have very simple tastes, I require only the best.’
But here’s the rub and reason for the Euros: HOME is not where America is. MAGA, not so much. “Neither Miami nor any American cities are in their plans for the next 4-8 years, earlier if Trump is arrested,” Clarke said. “I’m not kidding. This is the reason they are NOT making plans for American parties.”
HOME’s founder and former BED owner Oliver Hoyos softened the blow, saying the blacklisting of America “Wasn’t a unanimous decision,” but they do choose locations based on the members’ preferences and several already made the request to avoid America until the tangerine turd hijacking the White House is locked up, long gone, or a reasonable facsimile thereof.
Most of HOME’s charter members are European and the history of fascism has not faded. They have seen this farce before and to no good consequence for a continent. HOME, however, does aspire to return to the United States when they MAFA–Make America Fun Again–and when that happens, we can expect a real global party, with crowds that Persimmon Pol Pot could only conjure in his delusions or his administration’s inevitable demise.